In the past five years I have pushed, struggled, and surrendered my way out of a skin that no longer felt comfortable. Closer yet, I have shedded many skins and continue to do so as I dive deeper into myself and in turn dive deeper into God. It is my belief that we each have the divine spark within us and every spark is a unique and inalienable thread that weaves us through the fabric of the universe. Akin to magic, we are weaving in and out of each other’s lives, echoing energy, and creating something far greater than the sum of its parts. Already spiritually perfect, we are master manifestors and alchemists. And in this, I am eager to share this journey with you.

This indirectly brings me to the title of this blog, Egret Idea. While I didn’t object to feeling a little punny, I mainly wanted a title that felt both personal and reflective. And birds are definitely personal to me. In fact, in a recent meditation, I was metaphysically visited by birds. 

My meditation began as I tuned into the currents of energy radiating through my body, moving like an intricate network of rivers. Some time later, my consciousness shifted and I became aware of birds standing around me. They looked roughly like Egrets, but with immensely long, curved beaks.

In meditation, I practice connecting to my inner knowing and feeling my connection to higher consciousness. I practice visualizing light entering into and filling my body, illuminating my chakras, and transforming into a rainbow bridge. When I take the time to do this, to feel it and embody the process, the love I have feels limitless. I feel my body, but I also feel a strong sense of connectedness to all that is through a blurring of my boundaries.

It wasn’t until I was in college that I really started to sort through some of my suppressed feelings and worked on being open to emotion. Later, I even joined Alanon to help process my childhood.

I knew that feeling emotions was a challenge for me, but it wasn’t until I spoke with Soraia that I realized to what extent I was still avoiding them. She explained it like this: I was snorkeling in the ocean, but I was shaking my head and unwilling to stray from the surface. I was afraid to dive deeper into the water because I didn’t think I had what I needed. She said I was afraid of my emotions, because I thought I would get lost in a state of numbness. She reassured me that it was safe to dive deeper and that moving forward the universe would give me two choices: to feel my emotions or to feel my emotions. She went on to say that very soon I would be forced to feel more and in the process I would lose myself. But she told me not to worry, because I would find myself again and that when I did I would know myself on a deeper level and have a better understanding of how the various facets of myself fit together.

When I’m struggling or exhausted, I imagine submerging myself into dark water. I begin to sense the water around me, muting all sound, and I visualize the water absorbing my fear and leaving me rinsed out and empty. The kind of emptiness that feels like a clean slate. Although there is often a negative association with feeling empty, it can act as a transition to a healthier state of awareness. After mentally running on a hamster wheel or feeling an intense emotion like grief or anger, emptiness is cool and calm. It is like lying in bed and feeling the quietness around you. A chance to recharge.

In those moments, I am mindful about what I invite in to fill the emptiness. Like osmosis, emptiness does not stay void. Since something will invariably come to fill its place, I invite in light. A warm balmy sun that fills all the spaces with golden white light. It moves through all the cells, transcribing and translating DNA to manifest health and wholeness. I imagine the light pouring over and through me like warm milky water until I feel content.

I remind myself to take a moment, or few moments, to soak in my joy as a way of giving thanks that everything turned out all right or that progress was made. As many Unity members believe, my thoughts are vibrations inviting new events and opportunities into my life. It takes work and practice for me to consistently send positive invitations out into the universe.

This was loss, not one massive loss, but many losses spread out over months and years like pebbles skittering away underfoot. I discovered that empty part of myself– that nursed brokenness, resurfaced on the tail of a montage of memories. And I realized unacknowledged loss has stood between me and receiving– giving, receiving, being love. It was this harbored place inside me I didn’t know was there, but still yawning wide, igniting fear.